Tommy Cooper Quotes

Quotes about:

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  64 Copy quote

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bullshit

  44 Copy quote

• 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Home, Humor

  27 Copy quote

• A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Crazy, Silly

  17 Copy quote

• Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

  Tommy Cooper

  Two, Doe, Taste

  4 Copy quote

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  24 Copy quote

• A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Blow

  29 Copy quote

• I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Indecisive

  73 Copy quote

• A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Beautiful, Girl

  26 Copy quote

• I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Violin

  19 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Humorous

  68 Copy quote

• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Window Shopping

  "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.

  50 Copy quote

• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Lunch

  "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.

  17 Copy quote

• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Assistants

  66 Copy quote

• I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

  Tommy Cooper

  Scotch, Three, Whiskey

  27 Copy quote

• Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Lying, Humor

  3 Copy quote

• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  11 Copy quote

• A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bars

  15 Copy quote

• A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Strong, Bowls, Mines

  13 Copy quote

• A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Cheese Sandwiches

  6 Copy quote

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Two

  9 Copy quote

• I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  29 Copy quote

• My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  4 Copy quote

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