Tommy Cooper Quotes

Quotes about:

• 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Home, Humor

  29 Copy quote

• A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  11 Copy quote

• A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Crazy, Silly

  19 Copy quote

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  66 Copy quote

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  26 Copy quote

• A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Blow

  30 Copy quote

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bullshit

  46 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Humorous

  71 Copy quote

• Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

  Tommy Cooper

  Two, Doe, Taste

  5 Copy quote

• I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Violin

  21 Copy quote

• I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Indecisive

  75 Copy quote

• Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Lying, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

  Tommy Cooper

  Scotch, Three, Whiskey

  29 Copy quote

• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Assistants

  70 Copy quote

• So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  14 Copy quote

• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  13 Copy quote

• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Lunch

  "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.

  18 Copy quote

• So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Beautiful, Girl

  27 Copy quote

• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Window Shopping

  "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.

  52 Copy quote

• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Years

  11 Copy quote

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Two

  11 Copy quote

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Camouflage

  "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.

  22 Copy quote

• I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  31 Copy quote

• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Monday, Doctors

  7 Copy quote

• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Couple, Humor

  24 Copy quote

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