Tommy Cooper Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

  Tommy Cooper

  Doctors, Wells, I Can

  17 Copy quote

• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Window Shopping

  "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.

  53 Copy quote

• A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Party, Humor

  22 Copy quote

• It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humorous, Library

  11 Copy quote

• My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

  9 Copy quote

• So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Turtles

  5 Copy quote

• I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Years

  11 Copy quote

• I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

  Tommy Cooper

  Mountain, Tails, Ends

  22 Copy quote

• I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Hair

  10 Copy quote

• A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bars

  18 Copy quote

• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Cheese Sandwiches

  9 Copy quote

• A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Strong, Bowls, Mines

  16 Copy quote

• I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Monday, Doctors

  8 Copy quote

• My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

  112 Copy quote

• And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, People

  10 Copy quote

• So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, House

  7 Copy quote

• A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

  14 Copy quote

• He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Book, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

  Tommy Cooper

  Men, Iron, Bars

  8 Copy quote

• Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Two

  7 Copy quote

• Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Paper

  12 Copy quote

• I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

  8 Copy quote

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