I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
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