So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
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