Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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