Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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