So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
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