If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends