Milton Jones Quotes

Quotes about:

• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Dec 27, 2011

  45 Copy quote

• Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Police

  11 Copy quote

• Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  12 Copy quote

• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Animal

  19 Copy quote

• As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Children, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Feb 06, 2012

  17 Copy quote

• I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

  14 Copy quote

• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Air

  15 Copy quote

• My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Sacrifice

  12 Copy quote

• Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Corners

  5 Copy quote

• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Girl, Real

  13 Copy quote

• I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Running, Hate

  11 Copy quote

• If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

  Milton Jones

  Half, Firsts, Germany

  Twitter post from May 07, 2013

  12 Copy quote

• The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Grandfather

  20 Copy quote

• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Spiritual, Humor

  3 Copy quote

• I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  3 Copy quote

• I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Black

  5 Copy quote

• Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Feminist

  6 Copy quote

• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  9 Copy quote

• I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Clouds

  10 Copy quote

• Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  3 Copy quote

• I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  3 Copy quote

• I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

  2 Copy quote

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