Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
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