Milton Jones Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Air

• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Dec 27, 2011

• My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Believe, Humor

• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Animal

• To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Running, Humor

• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Spiritual, Humor

• Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Police

• I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

• My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Black

• I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Girl, Real

• Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Running, Hate

• When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Daughter, Humor

• As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Children, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Feb 06, 2012

• I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

• I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Blood

• The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, School, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Dec 30, 2011

• We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Mean

• Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Feminist

• I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Veils

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