Milton Jones Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Air

• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  FaceBook post by Milton Jones from Dec 27, 2011

• My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Believe, Humor

• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Running, Humor

• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Animal

• Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Police

• I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Book, Humor

• I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Black

• If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Veils

• The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

• My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Sacrifice

• You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

• I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Clouds

• It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Mosques

• I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

• Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Choices

• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Spiritual, Humor

• Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Wall, School

• A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Cat

• About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Grandfather

• Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

  Milton Jones

  Funny, Humor, Corners

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