Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
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