Tim Vine Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Names

  4 Copy quote

• I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  6 Copy quote

• So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, House

  9 Copy quote

• My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

  Tim Vine

  Party, Italian, Islands

  "Tim Vine: the man behind the masterful one-liner" by William Langley, www.telegraph.co.uk. August 23, 2014.

  7 Copy quote

• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

  Tim Vine

  Dvds, Psychiatrist, Shrinks

  4 Copy quote

• So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Ice

  7 Copy quote

• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Names

  7 Copy quote

• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Home, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Past

  4 Copy quote

• I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Lazy

  12 Copy quote

• So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Want

  Tim Vine (2012). “The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition”, p.110, Random House

  8 Copy quote

• I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Trying

  11 Copy quote

• Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, People

  7 Copy quote

• My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

  Tim Vine

  Wall, Teenager, House

  7 Copy quote

• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Filing Cabinet

  9 Copy quote

• With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

  Tim Vine

  Confidence, Silly, Laughing

  9 Copy quote

• Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Eggs

  10 Copy quote

• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Vines

  7 Copy quote

• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Restaurants

  4 Copy quote

• You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Hunting

  57 Copy quote

• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Today

  4 Copy quote

• Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

  Tim Vine

  Beauty, Horse, Dark

  71 Copy quote

• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  8 Copy quote

• I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Paris

  6 Copy quote

• If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

  Tim Vine

  Pun, Ifs

  6 Copy quote

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