I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.
My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
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