Frank Carson Quotes

Quotes about:

• I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

  Frank Carson

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  83 Copy quote

• There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  4 Copy quote

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

  14 Copy quote

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

  12 Copy quote

• My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Love You, Humor

  0 Copy quote

• An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Husband, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  5 Copy quote

• I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  3 Copy quote

• It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Divorce

  4 Copy quote

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

  6 Copy quote

• A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  2 Copy quote

• So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Nuisance

  5 Copy quote

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Brother, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  11 Copy quote

• I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Musician

  3 Copy quote

• I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Way

  1 Copy quote

• I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  3 Copy quote

• My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Sheep

  6 Copy quote

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

  78 Copy quote

• I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Shoes

  5 Copy quote

• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  1 Copy quote

• A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  4 Copy quote

• A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Car

  8 Copy quote

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