I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
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