Frank Carson Quotes

Quotes about:

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

  13 Copy quote

• My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Love You, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

  23 Copy quote

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  10 Copy quote

• What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

  8 Copy quote

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

  19 Copy quote

• I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

  Frank Carson

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  88 Copy quote

• A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  10 Copy quote

• A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Brother, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  11 Copy quote

• It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Divorce

  11 Copy quote

• An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Husband, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Way

  5 Copy quote

• I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  7 Copy quote

• My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Sheep

  11 Copy quote

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  18 Copy quote

• A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Shoes

  9 Copy quote

• I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

  6 Copy quote

• Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Abortion

  5 Copy quote

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

  86 Copy quote

• I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Musician

  10 Copy quote

• A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  4 Copy quote

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