Frank Carson Quotes

Quotes about:

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

  17 Copy quote

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

  18 Copy quote

• My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Love You, Humor

  3 Copy quote

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

  12 Copy quote

• A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Husband, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

  Frank Carson

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  86 Copy quote

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Divorce

  9 Copy quote

• I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  6 Copy quote

• A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Brother, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

  7 Copy quote

• A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  5 Copy quote

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  15 Copy quote

• I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Shoes

  8 Copy quote

• A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  9 Copy quote

• So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Nuisance

  8 Copy quote

• My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Sheep

  10 Copy quote

• I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Musician

  9 Copy quote

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

  84 Copy quote

• I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Way

  4 Copy quote

• A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Wind

  7 Copy quote

• I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  6 Copy quote

• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  4 Copy quote

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