Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
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