Frank Carson Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  10 Copy quote

• A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Wind

  8 Copy quote

• Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Car

  12 Copy quote

• A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  8 Copy quote

• I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

  6 Copy quote

• I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  8 Copy quote

• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  5 Copy quote

• My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Father, War

  5 Copy quote

• Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Airports

  6 Copy quote

• I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

  Frank Carson

  Feels Just, Yesterday, Years

  4 Copy quote

• Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

  Frank Carson

  Two, Passing, Pubs

  4 Copy quote

• A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  10 Copy quote

• I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

  5 Copy quote

• People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

  Frank Carson

  People, Church, Ridiculous

  "It's a cracker for Ukip as Frank Carson pledges support" by Henry McDonald, www.theguardian.com. February 8, 2011.

  5 Copy quote

• The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  4 Copy quote

• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Bars

  5 Copy quote

• I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  9 Copy quote

• My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Friday, Uncles

  4 Copy quote

• This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, News

  5 Copy quote

• It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

  Frank Carson

  People, Laughing, Worry

  6 Copy quote

• The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Homeless

  6 Copy quote

• There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

  6 Copy quote

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