Frank Carson Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

• A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Car

• I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Memories, Humor

• A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Wind

• A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Brother, Humor

• I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

• A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Abortion

• My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Friday, Uncles

• A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Homeless

• I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

• I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Morning, Humor

• My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Sheep

• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Way

• I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

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