Frank Carson Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

• A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Car

• My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Friday, Uncles

• A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Homeless

• A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Abortion

• My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Sheep

• Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

• I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doors

• I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Morning, Humor

• I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Husband, Humor

• There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Way

• There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

• I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

• I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

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