Demetri Martin Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

  "Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

• I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Witty

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Song, Humor

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

• When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Christmas, Jesus

• It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Adults

  "Demetri Martin. Person". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2007.

• People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Life, Country

• I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Morning, Believe

  "Comedy Central Presents: Demetri Martin". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Birthday, Christmas

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

• I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Demetri Martin", 2004), www.imdb.com. (1998– ).

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Flower, Humor

• The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Witty

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Book, Humor

• A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Life, Bookstores

• If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Size

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Sports, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Balloons

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Moving

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

• Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  "Demetri Martin: Wry comic originally planned to be a lawyer". Interview with Chad Jones, www.sfgate.com. May 7, 2014.

• Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Camping

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