Daniel Tosh Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Stereotype

  Song: One, Album: Happy Thoughts, 2011

• The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Blow

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". Comedy, www.imdb.com.

• I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, War, Drinking

• I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Talking

• You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girl, Spiritual

  "Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

• How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Sex, Cheer

• Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Men, Virgins

• I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Ocean, Men

• I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Trying, Racist

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Pregnancy, Home

  "Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

• I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Jesus, Eye

• Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, San Francisco

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Sports, Athlete

• I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girlfriend, Scary

• I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, School, Florida

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girl, Morning

• You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Sick, Freak

  "True Stories I Made Up". 2005.

• I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Beautiful, People

• I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Children, Six Months

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Reason, Woodstock

• I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girlfriend, Water

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Guy, Asian

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