George Carlin Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Witty

• Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "Complaints and Grievances". Documentary, Comedy, 2001.

• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Disappointment, Humor

  "A Note on George Carlin about Steroids and Sports from a Practical Idealist" by Carol Smaldino, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 19, 2009.
• 

  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

• That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Dream

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

• Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Wedding, Truth

  "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". Book by George Carlin, 2004.

• Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

• Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

• In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

• What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Mean Girls

  "George Carlin: Jammin' in New York", www.imdb.com. 1992.

• What year did Jesus think it was?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Jesus, Humor

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

• Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Motivational

• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Humor, Perspective

• The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "Why My Journey Of Grief Is So Like A Butterfly’s Metamorphosis" by Laurie Burrows Grad, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 4, 2016.

• I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "Napalm and Silly Putty". Book by George Carlin, 2001.

• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Mean, Humor

  "The G20 Needs a Permanent Home" by Craig and Marc Kielburger, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 18, 2010.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

• Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Dream, Time

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Bible, Witty

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

• I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

• If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sexy, Arms

• The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

  George Carlin

  Funny, Time, Jobs

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Prayer, Numbers

  George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.28, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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