The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
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