Funny Quotes - Page 2

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Time, Humorous

  597 Copy quote
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  We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

  Robert Fulghum

  Love, Life, Relationship

  "True Love". Book by Robert Fulghum, 1997.

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• Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

  Dr. Seuss

  Inspirational, Life, Cute Love

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Bible, Witty, Humor

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

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• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Cat, Animal

  228 Copy quote
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  Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

  John Wayne

  Life, Leadership, Badass

  244 Copy quote

• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Change, Marriage

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

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• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Sarcastic, Running, Wisdom

  329 Copy quote
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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Sarcastic, Believe, Sarcasm

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

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• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hilarious, Mom, Education

  1135 Copy quote
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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

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• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Success, Hilarious, Witty

  947 Copy quote

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Laughter

  934 Copy quote
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  If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  Theodore Roosevelt (2015). “Theodore Roosevelt on Bravery: Lessons from the Most Courageous Leader of the Twentieth Century”, p.4, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laughing

  307 Copy quote
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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Encouraging, Uplifting

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

  John F. Kennedy

  Forgiveness, Witty, Clever

  John F. Kennedy, Dominique Enright (2003). “The Wicked Wit of John F. Kennedy”, Michael O'Mara Books

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Happiness, Happy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happy Birthday

  448 Copy quote
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  I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection

  Drake

  Hater, Mistake, Rapper

  540 Copy quote

• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  293 Copy quote

• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

  Paul Fix

  Thinking, People, Statistics

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Jay Leno

  Money, Epic, Winning

  115 Copy quote

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Clever, Hipster, Writing

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

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• I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

  Ronald Reagan

  Pro Life, Abortion, Amusing

  341 Copy quote