Funny Quotes - Page 2

• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Hilarious, Humorous, Pilots

  622 Copy quote

• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happy Birthday

  585 Copy quote
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  You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Life, Leadership

  1443 Copy quote

• Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Inspirational, Life, Cute

  964 Copy quote
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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Encouraging, Uplifting

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  711 Copy quote

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• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Time, Humorous

  674 Copy quote

• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Change, Marriage

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

  1649 Copy quote

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  Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

  John Wayne

  Life, Leadership, Badass

  345 Copy quote

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Laughter

  1033 Copy quote
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  Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Worry, Debt

  577 Copy quote

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Beauty, Crazy, Humor

  1432 Copy quote

• Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

  John F. Kennedy

  Forgiveness, Witty, Clever

  John F. Kennedy, Dominique Enright (2003). “The Wicked Wit of John F. Kennedy”, Michael O'Mara Books

  1021 Copy quote

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• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Jay Leno

  Money, Epic, Winning

  160 Copy quote
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  I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection

  Drake

  Hater, Mistake, Rapper

  614 Copy quote

• The road to success is always under construction.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspiring, Success, Congratulations

  160 Copy quote

• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hilarious, Mom, Education

  1238 Copy quote

• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  Prince Philip

  Inspirational, Marriage, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  1550 Copy quote

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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Sarcastic, Believe, Sarcasm

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1426 Copy quote

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• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

  Paul Fix

  Thinking, People, Statistics

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  129 Copy quote

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  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Reading, Learning, Cowboy

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

  376 Copy quote

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• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

  Margaret Mead

  Inspirational, Inspiring, Laughter

  225 Copy quote

• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Abraham Lincoln (1992). “The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln”, Plume

  620 Copy quote

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• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  219 Copy quote

• Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

  Robin Williams

  Latin, Humor, Political

  119 Copy quote
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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  358 Copy quote

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