Funny Quotes - Page 2

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Laughter

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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Encouraging, Uplifting

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Bible, Witty, Humor

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

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• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Success, Hilarious, Witty

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  We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

  Robert Fulghum

  Love, Life, Relationship

  "True Love". Book by Robert Fulghum, 1997.

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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Life, Sarcastic, Wisdom

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happy Birthday

  413 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Giving, I Believe, Vodka

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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  Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

  John Wayne

  Life, Leadership, Badass

  205 Copy quote

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Clever, Hipster, Writing

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, Ideas, Comedian

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  Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Worry, Debt

  332 Copy quote
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  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Reading, Learning, Cowboy

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

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  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laughing

  273 Copy quote

• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  228 Copy quote

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Life, Sexy

  370 Copy quote

• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  217 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Laughter, Humorous, Humility

  380 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Cat, Animal

  210 Copy quote

• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  276 Copy quote

• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

  Billy Sunday

  Hilarious, Christian, Religious

  Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”

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• Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

  Jeffree Star

  Love, Hater, Confused

  FaceBook post by Jeffree Star from Feb 17, 2013

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• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  172 Copy quote

• Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

  Mark Twain

  Change, Politics, Diapers

  1007 Copy quote

• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  222 Copy quote