Funny Quotes - Page 2

• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Laughter

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• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Giving, I Believe, Vodka

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Time, Humorous

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• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Sarcastic, Believe, Sarcasm

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

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• Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Inspirational, Life, Cute

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• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Hilarious, Humorous, Pilots

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• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Bible, Witty, Humor

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

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• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Mother, Witty

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• 

  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laughing

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• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

  Billy Sunday

  Hilarious, Christian, Religious

  Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”

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• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Clever, Hipster, Writing

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

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  There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

  Will Rogers

  Reading, Learning, Cowboy

  "The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers". "Friars Club Bible of Jokes, Pokes, Roasts, and Toasts". Book by Nina Colman, p. 316, 2001.

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• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Laughter, Humorous, Humility

  377 Copy quote

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• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Life, Sexy

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• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  Bryan White

  Inspirational, Life, Growing Up

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• 

  Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

  John Wayne

  Life, Leadership, Badass

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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, Ideas, Comedian

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• 

  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

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• Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Albert B. Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

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• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

  Oliver Herford

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Men

  208 Copy quote

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• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Sarcastic, Money, Men

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Sarcastic, Running, Wisdom

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• Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

  Anthony Griffin

  Dog, Real, Animal

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• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  217 Copy quote

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• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

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