The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
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