Funny Quotes - Page 9

• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Inspirational, Life, Morning

  Elbert Hubbard (1917). “In the Spotlight: Personal Experiences of Elbert Hubbard on the American Stage”

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• Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!

  Charles M. Schulz

  Single, Lying, Night

  "Fictional character: Charlie Brown". "Peanuts" comic strip by Charles M. Schulz, July 6, 1985.

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• One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

  Bob Marley

  Music, Wisdom, Song

  Song: Trenchtown Rock

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• Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

  Enid Blyton

  Senior

  96 Copy quote

• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

  W. H. Auden

  Inspirational, Helping Others, Earth

  W H Auden (1981). “Antæus”, Ecco Press

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• Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

  Hobart Brown

  Inspirational, Happiness, Money

  52 Copy quote

• The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

  Natalie Wood

  Success, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  88 Copy quote

• History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

  Abba Eban

  Sarcastic, War, Sarcasm

  Speech in London, 16 Dec. 1970, in The Times 17 Dec. 1970

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• A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

  Fats Domino

  Inspirational, Education, Work

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

  Si Robertson

  Life, Marriage, Wife

  Si Robertson (2014). “Si-cology 1: Tales and Wisdom from Duck Dynasty’s Favorite Uncle”, p.192, Simon and Schuster

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• By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

  Bill Vaughan

  Witty, Elderly, Years

  25 Copy quote

• Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Baby, Humorous

  72 Copy quote

• On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

  H. L. Mencken

  Heart, Land, White

  The Baltimore Sun, July 26, 1920.

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• To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

  Paul R. Ehrlich

  Inspirational, Witty, Technology

  70 Copy quote

• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  Navjot Singh Sidhu

  Dawn, Stealing, Neighbor

  47 Copy quote

• There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

  Oscar Levant

  Inspirational, Depression, Humor

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

  Stephen Fry

  Witty, I Don't Need You, Age

  15 Copy quote

• The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

  Josh Billings

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Josh Billings (1874). “Josh Billings' Wit and Humor”, p.208

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• The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

  Harry Browne

  Sarcastic, Integrity, Humorous

  79 Copy quote

• What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

  Oscar Levant

  Humility, Pride, Needs

  "On the 8th Day - God Laughed". Book by Gene Perret, p. 95, 1995.

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• It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

  Muhammad Ali

  Sports, Jobs, Athlete

  Twitter post from Aug 18, 2010

  147 Copy quote

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• When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Life, Hilarious

  124 Copy quote

• The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

  Fred Allen

  Clever, Church Choir, Two

  58 Copy quote

• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

  Claude Pepper

  Hilarious, Laughter, Humorous

  73 Copy quote

• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Life, Friendship

  402 Copy quote