Funny Quotes - Page 9

• Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

  Sam Ewing

  Birthday, Hilarious, Money

  89 Copy quote

• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Sarcastic, Witty, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

  28 Copy quote

  Show source

• The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

  Bill Watterson

  Humorous, Future, Problem

  20 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  116 Copy quote

• Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

  John Barrymore

  Money, Months, Ends

  56 Copy quote

• Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

  Conan O'Brien

  Religious, Jesus, Coffee

  85 Copy quote

• But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Baby, Women, Thinking

  38 Copy quote

• I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

  Ronald Reagan

  Pro Life, Abortion, Amusing

  432 Copy quote

• I’ve spent too many years explaining who and what I am repeatedly, so as of this moment I officially secede from both races. I plan to start my own separate nation. Because I am half Ojibway and half Caucasian, we will be called the Occasions. And of course, since I’m founding the new nation, I will be a Special Occasion.

  Drew Hayden Taylor

  Race, Years, Special

  Drew Hayden Taylor (1998). “Funny, You Don't Look Like One: Observations of a Blue-eyed Ojibway”, Penticton, B.C. : Theytus Books, l998.

  14 Copy quote

  Show source

• Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

  Enid Blyton

  Senior

  97 Copy quote

• You don't get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.

  Jim Rohn

  Motivational, Positive Thinking, Greatness

  FaceBook post by Jim Rohn from Jan 09, 2017

  83 Copy quote

  Show source

• There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

  Douglas Adams

  Education, Humor, Science

  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Seventh" (radio program) (1978)

  133 Copy quote

  Show source

• That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

  Lauren Miller

  Life, Time, Future

  64 Copy quote

• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

  George Carlin

  Humor, Shapes, Rounds

  69 Copy quote

• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Family, Witty, Humorous

  105 Copy quote

• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

  69 Copy quote

• A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

  Ronald Reagan

  Depression, Witty, Jobs

  "Ronald Reagan: A Man True to His Word".

  111 Copy quote

  Show source

• That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Dream, Witty

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  176 Copy quote

  Show source

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  110 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.

  Channing Tatum

  Life, Beautiful, Humorous

  135 Copy quote

• A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

  Winston Churchill

  Humorous, Next Week, Years

  In B. Adler Churchill Wit (1965) p. 4

  86 Copy quote

  Show source

• When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Life, Hilarious

  126 Copy quote

• It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

  Muhammad Ali

  Sports, Jobs, Athlete

  Twitter post from Aug 18, 2010

  149 Copy quote

  Show source

• A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

  Claude Pepper

  Hilarious, Laughter, Humorous

  74 Copy quote
• 

  Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

  Douglas Adams

  Education, Wisdom, Clever

  Douglas Adams, Mark Carwardine (2011). “Last Chance to See”, p.132, Ballantine Books

  59 Copy quote

  Show source