A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Dying is the last thing I will ever do.
You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.
In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.
The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
Method acting? There are quite a few methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass, and some cracked ice.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried; you float.
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
A man must pay the fiddler. In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.
The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.
If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.
My head is buried in the sands of tomorrow, while my tail feathers are singed by the hot sun of today.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
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