Funny Quotes - Page 5

• Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

  Harry Emerson Fosdick

  Inspirational, Sad, Leadership

  "As I See Religion". Book by Harry Emerson Fosdick, 1932.

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• Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

  Jim Davis

  Hilarious, Witty, Food

  95 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Sarcastic, Clever

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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  By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Robert Frost

  Motivational, Hilarious, Business

  228 Copy quote

• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Wall, Thinking, Eggs

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

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• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

  Sid Caesar

  Work, Creativity, Humor

  "The words and comedy of Sid Caesar" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. February 12, 2014.

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  Women are made to be loved, not understood.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Sarcastic, Confused

  Oscar Wilde (2016). “Aphorisms”, p.3, Oscar Wilde

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• A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

  Walter Bagehot

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Walter Bagehot (1858). “Estimates of Some Englishmen and Scotchmen”, p.272

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• If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fall

  142 Copy quote

• Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

  Robert A. Heinlein

  Life, Motivational, Men

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Witty, Work, Humorous

  91 Copy quote

• My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

  Morey Amsterdam

  Dog, Humor, Two

  126 Copy quote

• Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Humorous, Moving

  "Fictional character: Mork". "Mork & Mindy/ Mork in Love", www.imdb.com. 1978.

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  A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

  Eleanor Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Strength, Inspiring

  151 Copy quote

• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Family, Mothers Day, Mom

  94 Copy quote

• Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happiness

  227 Copy quote

• It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

  Ronald Reagan

  Hilarious, Work, Humorous

  Ronald Reagan (2004). “Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

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• It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

  Thomas Sowell

  Laughter, Ignorance, Thorough Knowledge

  "A Childish Letter". Column at Jewish World Review, www.jewishworldreview.com. August 17, 1998.

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• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

  Erica Jong

  Being Strong, Spiritual, Witty

  FaceBook post by Erica Jong from Oct 02, 2015

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• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Money, Teenage

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

  Helen Rowland

  Birthday, Motivation, Vision

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• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Hilarious, Education, Witty

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

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• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  283 Copy quote

• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Cat, Humor

  163 Copy quote

• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  Harlan Ellison

  Life, Stupid, Science

  Harlan Ellison, Arnie Fenner (2011). “Bugf#ck: The Useless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison”

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