Funny Quotes - Page 5

• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Wall, Thinking, Eggs

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

  72 Copy quote

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• I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

  Peter Cook

  Mistake, Life Lesson, Humorous

  104 Copy quote

• If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fall

  131 Copy quote

• A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

  Walter Bagehot

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Walter Bagehot (1858). “Estimates of Some Englishmen and Scotchmen”, p.272

  97 Copy quote

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• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Motivation, Humorous, Driving Fast

  52 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Sarcastic, Clever

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  94 Copy quote

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• Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

  Daniel J. Boorstin

  Education, Teacher, Witty

  "A Case of Hypochondria". Newsweek, July 6, 1970.

  75 Copy quote

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• Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happiness

  214 Copy quote

• My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

  Morey Amsterdam

  Dog, Humor, Two

  120 Copy quote

• Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.

  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  Inspirational, Graduation, Dance

  88 Copy quote

• Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

  Yakov Smirnoff

  Happiness, Laughter, Laughing

  FaceBook post by Yakov Smirnoff from Apr 03, 2014

  48 Copy quote

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• Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

  Stephen Colbert

  Trust, Children, Comedian

  57 Copy quote

• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Hilarious, Education, Witty

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

  255 Copy quote

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• It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

  Ronald Reagan

  Hilarious, Work, Humorous

  Ronald Reagan (2004). “Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

  79 Copy quote

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Clever, Business, Smart

  65 Copy quote

• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  266 Copy quote

• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Benjamin Franklin, William Temple Franklin (1819). “The Posthumous and Other Writings of Benjamin Franklin ...”, p.290

  273 Copy quote

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• 

  Women are made to be loved, not understood.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Sarcastic, Confused

  Oscar Wilde (2016). “Aphorisms”, p.3, Oscar Wilde

  572 Copy quote

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• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  Harlan Ellison

  Life, Stupid, Science

  Harlan Ellison, Arnie Fenner (2011). “Bugf#ck: The Useless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison”

  100 Copy quote

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• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Life, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  121 Copy quote

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  89 Copy quote

• Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

  Harry Emerson Fosdick

  Inspirational, Sad, Leadership

  "As I See Religion". Book by Harry Emerson Fosdick, 1932.

  581 Copy quote

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• Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Humorous, Moving

  "Fictional character: Mork". "Mork & Mindy/ Mork in Love", www.imdb.com. 1978.

  102 Copy quote

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• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Money, Teenage

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  74 Copy quote

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• Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

  Anthony Griffin

  Dog, Real, Animal

  262 Copy quote