Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Women are made to be loved, not understood.
A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?
A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
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