Funny Quotes - Page 5

• When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

  Sydney J. Harris

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  Sydney J. Harris (1953). “Strictly personal”

  86 Copy quote

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• Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

  Ronald Reagan

  Baby, Military, Humor

  Ronald Reagan, Bill Adler (1981). “The Reagan wit”, Jameson Books

  242 Copy quote

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  Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

  Bernard Baruch

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  164 Copy quote

• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Life, Anniversary

  201 Copy quote

• Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happiness

  199 Copy quote

• That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Dream, Witty

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  153 Copy quote

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• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Cat, Humor

  144 Copy quote

• To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

  Doug Larson

  Inspirational, Life, Erring

  113 Copy quote

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Truth, Honesty, Lying

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  253 Copy quote

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• Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

  Matt Groening

  Life, Humor, Son

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons". Season 4, Episode 1: "Kamp Krusty", www.imdb.com. September 24, 1992.

  217 Copy quote

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• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  107 Copy quote

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• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

  Robert Bloch

  Smile, Hilarious, Witty

  80 Copy quote

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Witty, Trying

  95 Copy quote

• If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Strong Women, War

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  168 Copy quote

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Laughter, Humor

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

  184 Copy quote

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• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  Milton Berle

  Running, Health, Thinking

  79 Copy quote

• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Witty, Learning, Humor

  163 Copy quote

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

  215 Copy quote

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• If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.

  Gabourey Sidibe

  Motivational, Beauty, Learning

  "Gabourey Sidibe makes inspirational speech at Ms. Foundation gala" by Alison Rowley, www.digitalspy.com. May 2, 2014.

  190 Copy quote

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• Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

  John Barrymore

  Money, Months, Ends

  48 Copy quote

• Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

  John Hughes

  Inspirational, Life, Movie

  159 Copy quote

• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Wall, Thinking, Eggs

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

  61 Copy quote

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• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Mom, Mother

  52 Copy quote

• Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

  Ozzy Osbourne

  Crazy, Missing, Drug

  58 Copy quote

• Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

  Mae West

  Love, Money, Humor

  128 Copy quote