Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.
Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.
I can resist everything except temptation.
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
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