Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Mind is never a problem. Mindset is
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends