The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
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