I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Be so good they can't ignore you.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.
Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
When you talk like an asshole and look like an asshole, you're an asshole
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."
At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
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