Woody Allen Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Money

  New Yorker, 5 Nov. 1973

• I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Witty

• Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Time, Inspiration

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Birthday, Witty

  "Fictional character: Pearl". "Interiors", www.imdb.com. 1978.

• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Beautiful, Sex

• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Thankful

  "Positive Words, Powerful Results". Book by Hal Urban (p. 105), 2004.

• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Life, Art

  2000 In The Guardian, 31Dec.

• To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Life

  Love and Death, www.imdb.com. 1975.

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Life

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Death

  Quoted in Eric Lax, Woody Allen and His Comedy (1975)

• Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Sex

  "A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy", 1982.

• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Book, Humor

  New Yorker, 21 Nov. 1977

• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  Without Feathers "The Early Essays" (1975)

• I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, New Year, Witty

• Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Confidence, Witty

• I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Girl, Crazy

• Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get the negative but Elsie makes a wonderful stuffed cabbage which we'll include gratis a few portions but return the jars please.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Humorous, Negative

  Woody Allen (2007). “Mere Anarchy”, Random House Incorporated

• I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, War, Book

  "Sorry, But Speed Reading Won't Help You Read More" by Mark Seidenberg, www.wired.com. January 24, 2017.

• My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Success, Class

• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  Audio CD "Woody Allen: Stand-Up Comic 1964-1968", 1999.

• I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Death, Believe

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