Dave Barry Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Hilarious, Health

• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

• Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Zero, Humorous

• This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, School, Mean

  "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits". Book by Dave Barry, 1988.

• American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, America

• Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Jobs, Writing

  Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.48, Ballantine Books

• I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Long, Water

• What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Respect, Women

  Dave Barry (2001). “All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist”

• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Witty, Block

• I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Music, Hate

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.117, Ballantine Books

• Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

  Dave Barry

  Inspirational, Funny, Sports

  Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.32, Rodale

• I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Sarcastic, Children

• I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Book, Reading

  Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.9, Ballantine Books

• Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Sports, Humor

• To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

  Dave Barry

  Inspirational, Funny, Teenage

  Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.73, Andrews McMeel Publishing

• The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humor, Mean

• I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Book, Reading

• For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humor, Loss

  Dave Barry (2003). “Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism”, p.147, Crown Archetype

• The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Italian

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.108, Ballantine Books

• You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Art, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.131, Ballantine Books

• There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Yelling, Wind

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.90, Crown Archetype

• Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Communication, Humor

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.127, Crown Archetype

• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humor, Science

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.48, Crown Archetype

• I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Women, Causes

• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Hilarious, Women

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.35, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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