Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
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