Funny Quotes - Page 8

• Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Cute, Inspiring

  72 Copy quote

• If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.

  Joyce Meyer

  Christian, Religious, Kindness

  Joyce Meyer (2011). “Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You”, p.88, Hachette UK

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• Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

  William James

  Dance, Laughter, Moving

  85 Copy quote

• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

  George Carlin

  Money, Work, Stupid People

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.206, Hachette UK

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• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Sarcastic, Witty, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

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• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Fitness

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.31, St. Martin's Press

  168 Copy quote

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• Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

  Sam Ewing

  Birthday, Hilarious, Money

  85 Copy quote

• That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

  Lauren Miller

  Life, Time, Future

  63 Copy quote

• Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

  Li Ching-Yuen

  Inspirational, Dog, Humorous

  81 Copy quote

• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Family, Witty, Humorous

  103 Copy quote

• I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

  Tina Fey

  Parent, Looks, Want

  "Tina Fey: Sarah Palin And 'Saturday Night' Satire". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. November 3, 2008..

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• It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

  Steven Weinberg

  Winning, What Matters, Doe

  68 Copy quote

• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

  George Carlin

  Humor, Shapes, Rounds

  66 Copy quote

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  106 Copy quote

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• That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Dream, Witty

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  173 Copy quote

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• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Witty, Laughter

  Everybody's Political What's What? ch. 30 (1944)

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• There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

  Douglas Adams

  Education, Humor, Science

  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Seventh" (radio program) (1978)

  129 Copy quote

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• A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

  Ronald Reagan

  Depression, Witty, Jobs

  "Ronald Reagan: A Man True to His Word".

  107 Copy quote

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• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Happy Birthday, Humorous, Cake

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Baby, Women, Thinking

  36 Copy quote

• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

  Derek Bok

  Inspirational, Graduation, Education

  Attributed in Paul Dickson, The Official Rules (1978). An earlier occurrence, without attribution to any individual, was in Wash. Post, 6 Oct. 1975.

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• "Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.

  Thomas Lansing Masson

  Life, Being Yourself, Being Single

  "American Treasury, 1455-1955". Book by Clifton Fadiman, p. 791, 1955.

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• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

  Jackie Gleason

  Inspiring, Food, Humor

  119 Copy quote

• Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

  Conan O'Brien

  Religious, Jesus, Coffee

  84 Copy quote

• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  In Newsweek 28 Mar. 1960, p. 89

  175 Copy quote

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