Funny Quotes - Page 7

• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Positive, Witty, Art

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time". Book by Laurence J. Peter, p. 362, 1977.

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• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Sarcastic, Clever

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  86 Copy quote

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• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Life, Friendship

  327 Copy quote

• Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

  Robin Williams

  Latin, Humor, Political

  70 Copy quote

• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

  Billy Connolly

  Witty, Humorous, Army

  131 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Motivation, Humorous, Driving Fast

  40 Copy quote

• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

  George Carlin

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Witty

  41 Copy quote

• Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Humor, Kids, Thinking

  15 Copy quote

• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

  George Carlin

  Humor, Shapes, Rounds

  58 Copy quote

• Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.

  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  Inspirational, Graduation, Dance

  84 Copy quote

• It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

  Harry Hill

  Nature, Glasses, Flames

  "Harry Hill". TV Series, 1997 - 2000.

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• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Humor

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.88, St. Martin's Press

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• Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

  Harry Emerson Fosdick

  Inspirational, Sad, Leadership

  "As I See Religion". Book by Harry Emerson Fosdick, 1932.

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• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Inspirational, Life, Morning

  Elbert Hubbard (1917). “In the Spotlight: Personal Experiences of Elbert Hubbard on the American Stage”

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• Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

  Bill Hicks

  Dream, Witty, Philosophy

  "Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

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• I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Laughter, Sorry

  92 Copy quote

• Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

  William James

  Dance, Laughter, Moving

  70 Copy quote

• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Sarcastic, Witty, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

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• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  W. C. Fields

  Witty, Hunting, Water

  54 Copy quote

• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

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• The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

  Kin Hubbard

  Inspirational, Money, Gambling

  72 Copy quote

• The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

  Josh Billings

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Josh Billings (1874). “Josh Billings' Wit and Humor”, p.208

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• I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

  Si Robertson

  Life, Marriage, Wife

  Si Robertson (2014). “Si-cology 1: Tales and Wisdom from Duck Dynasty’s Favorite Uncle”, p.192, Simon and Schuster

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  93 Copy quote
• 

  Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

  Betty White

  Jealousy, Humorous, Vacation

  43 Copy quote