Funny Quotes - Page 7

• A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

  Fats Domino

  Inspirational, Education, Work

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  107 Copy quote

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• They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

  Clint Eastwood

  Sarcastic, Heaven, Confusing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  113 Copy quote

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• Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

  Sam Ewing

  Birthday, Hilarious, Money

  65 Copy quote

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

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• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

  Billy Connolly

  Witty, Humorous, Army

  132 Copy quote

• If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.

  Gabourey Sidibe

  Motivational, Beauty, Learning

  "Gabourey Sidibe makes inspirational speech at Ms. Foundation gala" by Alison Rowley, www.digitalspy.com. May 2, 2014.

  198 Copy quote

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• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Witty, Learning, Humor

  165 Copy quote

• When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

  Sydney J. Harris

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  Sydney J. Harris (1953). “Strictly personal”

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• All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

  Alexander Woollcott

  Food, Illegal Things, Finding Happiness

  Quoted in Readers Digest, Dec. 1933

  84 Copy quote

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  96 Copy quote

• The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

  William Shakespeare

  Life, Sarcastic, Wisdom

  130 Copy quote

• I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

  Ronald Reagan

  Pro Life, Abortion, Amusing

  366 Copy quote

• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Inspirational, Birthday, Men

  125 Copy quote

• If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Strong Women, War

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  174 Copy quote

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• I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Laughter, Sorry

  94 Copy quote

• It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

  Steven Weinberg

  Winning, What Matters, Doe

  61 Copy quote
• 

  Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

  Betty White

  Jealousy, Humorous, Vacation

  46 Copy quote

• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

  George Carlin

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Witty

  45 Copy quote

• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Fitness

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.31, St. Martin's Press

  161 Copy quote

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• Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

  William James

  Dance, Laughter, Moving

  76 Copy quote

• There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

  Keith Richards

  Humorous, Men, Doors

  277 Copy quote

• On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

  H. L. Mencken

  Heart, Land, White

  The Baltimore Sun, July 26, 1920.

  258 Copy quote

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• I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

  George Carlin

  Humor, Shapes, Rounds

  60 Copy quote

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Humorous, Health

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

  Derek Bok

  Inspirational, Graduation, Education

  Attributed in Paul Dickson, The Official Rules (1978). An earlier occurrence, without attribution to any individual, was in Wash. Post, 6 Oct. 1975.

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