Funny Quotes - Page 7

• Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

  John Barrymore

  Money, Months, Ends

  54 Copy quote

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Mom, Mother

  72 Copy quote

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Humorous, Health

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  90 Copy quote

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• When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

  Sydney J. Harris

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  Sydney J. Harris (1953). “Strictly personal”

  116 Copy quote

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• They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

  Clint Eastwood

  Sarcastic, Heaven, Confusing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  132 Copy quote

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• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

  Thomas A. Edison

  Life, Motivational, Positive

  "An Enemy Called Average". Book by John L. Mason, 1990.

  336 Copy quote

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• I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

  Ronald Reagan

  Pro Life, Abortion, Amusing

  407 Copy quote

• If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Strong Women, War

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  184 Copy quote

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• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Witty, Learning, Humor

  173 Copy quote

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

  238 Copy quote

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• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

  Cullen Hightower

  Mistake, Laughing, Favourite

  68 Copy quote

• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

  Billy Connolly

  Witty, Humorous, Army

  140 Copy quote

• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

  125 Copy quote

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• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Life, Hilarious, Laughter

  83 Copy quote

• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Inspirational, Birthday, Men

  132 Copy quote

• I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

  Elon Musk

  Inspirational, Death, Dream

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  22 Copy quote

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  106 Copy quote

• If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.

  Gabourey Sidibe

  Motivational, Beauty, Learning

  "Gabourey Sidibe makes inspirational speech at Ms. Foundation gala" by Alison Rowley, www.digitalspy.com. May 2, 2014.

  209 Copy quote

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• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

  Robert Orben

  Birthday, Fitness, Witty

  35 Copy quote

• I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Laughter, Sorry

  99 Copy quote

• Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

  Sydney J. Harris

  Love, Change, Hate

  134 Copy quote
• 

  Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

  Salvador Dali

  Music, Sarcastic, Art

  136 Copy quote

• All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

  Alexander Woollcott

  Food, Illegal Things, Finding Happiness

  Quoted in Readers Digest, Dec. 1933

  92 Copy quote

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• To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

  George W. Bush

  Graduation, Humor, Awards

  "Bad results?" by Nikki Sheehan, www.theguardian.com. June 11, 2001.

  79 Copy quote

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• There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

  Keith Richards

  Humorous, Men, Doors

  284 Copy quote