A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.
On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: