Funny Quotes - Page 7

• To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

  George W. Bush

  Graduation, Humor, Awards

  "Bad results?" by Nikki Sheehan, www.theguardian.com. June 11, 2001.

  57 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

  Frank Zappa

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Law

  132 Copy quote

  Report

• Never have more children than you have car windows.

  Erma Bombeck

  Life, Witty, Children

  50 Copy quote

  Report

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Happiness, Smile, Laughter

  24 Copy quote

  Report

• That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

  Lauren Miller

  Life, Time, Future

  41 Copy quote

  Report

• When you talk like an asshole and look like an asshole, you're an asshole

  John Lydon

  Attitude, Talking, Musician

  92 Copy quote

  Report

• The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

  Fred Allen

  Clever, Church Choir, Two

  50 Copy quote

  Report

• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Family, Witty, Humorous

  93 Copy quote

  Report

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  107 Copy quote

  Report

• If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

  Rob Corddry

  Witty, Humorous, People

  52 Copy quote

  Report

• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

  W. H. Auden

  Inspirational, Helping Others, Earth

  W H Auden (1981). “Antæus”, Ecco Press

  72 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

  Yakov Smirnoff

  Happiness, Laughter, Laughing

  FaceBook post by Yakov Smirnoff from Apr 03, 2014

  40 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Hilarious, Father, Humorous

  112 Copy quote

  Report

• I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Laughter, Sorry

  92 Copy quote

  Report

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  90 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

  Oscar Levant

  Humorous, Flower, Bed Of Roses

  "Fictional character: Jerry Sunborne". "Things We Lost in the Fire", www.imdb.com. 2007.

  60 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  88 Copy quote

  Report

• Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

  Harry Emerson Fosdick

  Inspirational, Sad, Leadership

  545 Copy quote

  Report

• Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

  Ozzy Osbourne

  Crazy, Missing, Drug

  52 Copy quote

  Report

• If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Children, Humorous

  27 Copy quote

  Report

• It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

  Ronald Reagan

  Hilarious, Work, Humorous

  Ronald Reagan (2004). “Speaking My Mind: Selected Speeches”, p.420, Simon and Schuster

  69 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, Food, French Toast

  81 Copy quote

  Report

• If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.

  Joyce Meyer

  Christian, Religious, Kindness

  Joyce Meyer (2011). “Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You”, p.88, Hachette UK

  6 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

  Steven Weinberg

  Winning, What Matters, Doe

  59 Copy quote

  Report

• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  Navjot Singh Sidhu

  Dawn, Stealing, Neighbor

  38 Copy quote

  Report