Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.
There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.
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