To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.
When you talk like an asshole and look like an asshole, you're an asshole
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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