A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
The road to success is always under construction.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
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