Funny Quotes - Page 3

• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

  Oliver Herford

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Men

  265 Copy quote

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Success, Hilarious, Witty

  1012 Copy quote

• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Hilarious, Humorous, Pilots

  634 Copy quote
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  We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

  Robert Fulghum

  Love, Life, Relationship

  "True Love". Book by Robert Fulghum, 1997.

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• Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

  Jeffree Star

  Love, Hater, Confused

  FaceBook post by Jeffree Star from Feb 17, 2013

  232 Copy quote

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• Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

  Dr. Seuss

  Inspirational, Life, Cute Love

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  807 Copy quote

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• I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

  Peter Cook

  Mistake, Life Lesson, Humorous

  126 Copy quote
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  A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  Steve Martin

  Witty, Laughter, Hipster

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011

  121 Copy quote

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• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Happiness, Smile, Laughter

  194 Copy quote

• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Bible, Witty, Humor

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

  812 Copy quote

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• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Happy Birthday, Humorous, Cake

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  65 Copy quote

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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Life, Sarcastic, Wisdom

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

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• Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.

  Confucius

  Life, Worry, Ifs

  93 Copy quote

• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Mother, Witty

  527 Copy quote
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  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

  Vince Lombardi

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  210 Copy quote

• The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.

  Maureen Johnson

  Inspirational, New Beginnings, Stopping

  Maureen Johnson (2009). “The Key to the Golden Firebird”, Harper Collins

  58 Copy quote

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  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Motivational Sports, Humorous, Boxing

  167 Copy quote

• Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

  Yakov Smirnoff

  Happiness, Laughter, Laughing

  FaceBook post by Yakov Smirnoff from Apr 03, 2014

  58 Copy quote

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• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Money, Teenage

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  119 Copy quote

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Happiness, Happy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  632 Copy quote

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  If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  Theodore Roosevelt (2015). “Theodore Roosevelt on Bravery: Lessons from the Most Courageous Leader of the Twentieth Century”, p.4, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  260 Copy quote

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• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

  Derek Bok

  Inspirational, Graduation, Education

  Attributed in Paul Dickson, The Official Rules (1978). An earlier occurrence, without attribution to any individual, was in Wash. Post, 6 Oct. 1975.

  95 Copy quote

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• My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

  Indira Gandhi

  Success, Leadership, Witty

  "Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success". Book by Joan Steinau Lester )p. 76), 1996.

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• My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

  Walter Matthau

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  280 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Cat, Animal

  337 Copy quote