Funny Quotes - Page 3

• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

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• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  224 Copy quote

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• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  214 Copy quote

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• My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

  Walter Matthau

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  207 Copy quote

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• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  167 Copy quote

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• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  Bryan White

  Inspirational, Life, Growing Up

  165 Copy quote

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• Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

  Dr. Seuss

  Inspirational, Life, Cute Love

  485 Copy quote

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  Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

  Bernard Baruch

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  125 Copy quote

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• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Laughter, Humor

  "Steven Wright Special". Comedy, 1985.

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• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

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• Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

  Anthony Griffin

  Dog, Real, Animal

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  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Motivational Sports, Humorous, Boxing

  104 Copy quote

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• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  274 Copy quote

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• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

  Oliver Herford

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Men

  208 Copy quote

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• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Cat, Animal

  206 Copy quote

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• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Happiness, Happy

  344 Copy quote

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• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Motivational, Inspiring

  183 Copy quote

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• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  135 Copy quote

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• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Family, Mothers Day, Mom

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• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Truth, Honesty, Lying

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• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Hilarious, Education, Witty

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

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  If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  Theodore Roosevelt (2015). “Theodore Roosevelt on Bravery: Lessons from the Most Courageous Leader of the Twentieth Century”, p.4, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop

  Gertrude Stein

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  86 Copy quote

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• The road to success is always under construction.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspiring, Success, Congratulations

  54 Copy quote

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• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

  202 Copy quote

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