Funny Quotes - Page 3

• My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

  Indira Gandhi

  Success, Leadership, Witty

  "Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success". Book by Joan Steinau Lester )p. 76), 1996.

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• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Jay Leno

  Money, Epic, Winning

  131 Copy quote

• Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

  Dr. Seuss

  Inspirational, Life, Cute Love

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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  If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  Theodore Roosevelt (2015). “Theodore Roosevelt on Bravery: Lessons from the Most Courageous Leader of the Twentieth Century”, p.4, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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  A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  Steve Martin

  Witty, Laughter, Hipster

  FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011

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• Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

  Ozzy Osbourne

  Crazy, Missing, Drug

  71 Copy quote

• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

  Charles Wadsworth

  Hilarious, Father, Humorous

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  We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

  Robert Fulghum

  Love, Life, Relationship

  "True Love". Book by Robert Fulghum, 1997.

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• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Abraham Lincoln (1992). “The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln”, Plume

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• You can observe a lot by just watching.

  Yogi Berra

  Photography, Yankees, Vision

  Quoted in Dick Schaap and Mort Gerberg's Joy in Mudville: The Big Book of Baseball Humor Reflections (p. 185)

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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  Steven Wright

  Humorous, Ideas, Comedian

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• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Success, Hilarious, Witty

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  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

  Vince Lombardi

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  157 Copy quote

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Witty, Trying

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• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  159 Copy quote

• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Bible, Witty, Humor

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

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  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Motivational Sports, Humorous, Boxing

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• The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

  Edward Abbey

  Inspirational, Life, Hilarious

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• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Mother, Witty

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• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

  Oliver Herford

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Men

  244 Copy quote

• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Money, Nice, School

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

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• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Laughter, Humorous, Humility

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• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

  Billy Sunday

  Hilarious, Christian, Religious

  Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”

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• Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.

  Confucius

  Life, Worry, Ifs

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• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

  Sid Caesar

  Work, Creativity, Humor

  "The words and comedy of Sid Caesar" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. February 12, 2014.

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