Funny Quotes - Page 4

• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Inspirational, Birthday, Men

  123 Copy quote

• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  243 Copy quote

• I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

  Lotte Reiniger

  Truth, Humorous, Believe

  151 Copy quote

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  151 Copy quote

• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Inspirational Life, Food

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.9, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  168 Copy quote

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• Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Humorous, Moving

  "Fictional character: Mork". "Mork & Mindy/ Mork in Love", www.imdb.com. 1978.

  90 Copy quote

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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  247 Copy quote

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• My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

  Indira Gandhi

  Success, Leadership, Witty

  "Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success". Book by Joan Steinau Lester )p. 76), 1996.

  516 Copy quote

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• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  229 Copy quote

• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  227 Copy quote

• Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

  Anthony Griffin

  Dog, Real, Animal

  253 Copy quote

• Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

  Steve Irwin

  Betrayal, I Hate You, Hypocrite

  "My Steve". Book by Terri Irwin, 2012.

  122 Copy quote

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• If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Children, Humorous

  30 Copy quote

• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Hilarious, Education, Witty

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

  222 Copy quote

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  True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Running, Country, Bullying

  Kurt Vonnegut (2013). “If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young”, p.88, RosettaBooks

  159 Copy quote

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• You can observe a lot by just watching.

  Yogi Berra

  Photography, Yankees, Vision

  Quoted in Dick Schaap and Mort Gerberg's Joy in Mudville: The Big Book of Baseball Humor Reflections (p. 185)

  86 Copy quote

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• My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

  Morey Amsterdam

  Dog, Humor, Two

  114 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  187 Copy quote

• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Sarcastic, Money, Men

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  306 Copy quote

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• Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

  Helen Rowland

  Birthday, Motivation, Vision

  132 Copy quote

• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Family, Mothers Day, Mom

  79 Copy quote

• That's the funny thing about life. We're rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

  Lauren Miller

  Life, Time, Future

  53 Copy quote

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Life, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  114 Copy quote

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Clever, Business, Smart

  58 Copy quote

• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Benjamin Franklin, William Temple Franklin (1819). “The Posthumous and Other Writings of Benjamin Franklin ...”, p.290

  258 Copy quote

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