You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
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