Funny Quotes - Page 4

• Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

  Matt Groening

  Life, Humor, Son

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons". Season 4, Episode 1: "Kamp Krusty", www.imdb.com. September 24, 1992.

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• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

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• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Happiness, Smile, Laughter

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• When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

  Sydney J. Harris

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  Sydney J. Harris (1953). “Strictly personal”

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• 

  True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Running, Country, Bullying

  Kurt Vonnegut (2013). “If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young”, p.88, RosettaBooks

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• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Jay Leno

  Money, Epic, Winning

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• If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fall

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• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Cat, Humor

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• To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

  Doug Larson

  Inspirational, Life, Erring

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• If you're going through hell, keep going.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Motivational, Change

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Life, Anniversary

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• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Inspirational Life, Food

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.9, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

  Bill Hicks

  Dream, Witty, Philosophy

  "Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

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• Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

  Enid Blyton

  Senior

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• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Positive, Witty, Art

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time". Book by Laurence J. Peter, p. 362, 1977.

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• Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

  Voltaire

  Life, Failure, Humor

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• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Clever, Business, Smart

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• Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

  Helen Rowland

  Birthday, Motivation, Vision

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• Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

  John Hughes

  Inspirational, Life, Movie

  156 Copy quote

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• Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

  Robin Williams

  Latin, Humor, Political

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• We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Witty, Learning, Humor

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• Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

  Joan Collins

  Birthday, Wine, Numbers

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• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

  Paul Fix

  Thinking, People, Statistics

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• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

  Robert Bloch

  Smile, Hilarious, Witty

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• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Witty, Trying

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