Funny Quotes - Page 4

• Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

  Jeffree Star

  Love, Hater, Confused

  FaceBook post by Jeffree Star from Feb 17, 2013

  202 Copy quote

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• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  201 Copy quote

• He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

  Charles de Gaulle

  Laughter, Laughing, Lasts

  76 Copy quote

• If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Children, Humorous

  38 Copy quote

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  123 Copy quote

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• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  238 Copy quote

• If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

  Ann Landers

  Witty, Children, Talking

  199 Copy quote

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Truth, Honesty, Lying

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  271 Copy quote

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• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  Dave Barry

  Hilarious, Health, Humor

  141 Copy quote

• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  244 Copy quote

• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  Milton Berle

  Running, Health, Thinking

  89 Copy quote
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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  267 Copy quote

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• Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Albert B. Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

  477 Copy quote

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• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Motivational, Inspiring

  209 Copy quote

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  160 Copy quote

• My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

  Walter Matthau

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  252 Copy quote

• Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

  John Hughes

  Inspirational, Life, Movie

  168 Copy quote

• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Witty, Work, Humorous

  84 Copy quote
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  By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Robert Frost

  Motivational, Hilarious, Business

  218 Copy quote

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Life, Sexy

  391 Copy quote

• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  309 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Giving, I Believe, Vodka

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  743 Copy quote

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  True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Running, Country, Bullying

  Kurt Vonnegut (2013). “If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young”, p.88, RosettaBooks

  173 Copy quote

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• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Family, Mothers Day, Mom

  87 Copy quote

• Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

  Robert A. Heinlein

  Life, Motivational, Men

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  33 Copy quote

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