Funny Quotes - Page 4

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Laughter, Humorous, Humility

  425 Copy quote

• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  Milton Berle

  Running, Health, Thinking

  106 Copy quote

• Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

  John Hughes

  Inspirational, Life, Movie

  185 Copy quote

• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

  Billy Sunday

  Hilarious, Christian, Religious

  Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”

  602 Copy quote

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• If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

  Ann Landers

  Witty, Children, Talking

  214 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  226 Copy quote

• I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

  Peter Cook

  Mistake, Life Lesson, Humorous

  120 Copy quote

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  Dave Barry

  Hilarious, Health, Humor

  169 Copy quote

• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Money, Nice, School

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

  73 Copy quote

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• If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Children, Humorous

  47 Copy quote

• Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

  Yakov Smirnoff

  Happiness, Laughter, Laughing

  FaceBook post by Yakov Smirnoff from Apr 03, 2014

  55 Copy quote

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• 

  True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Running, Country, Bullying

  Kurt Vonnegut (2013). “If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young”, p.88, RosettaBooks

  200 Copy quote

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• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  174 Copy quote

• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  265 Copy quote

• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  252 Copy quote

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Truth, Honesty, Lying

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  302 Copy quote

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• Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Albert B. Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

  515 Copy quote

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• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Motivational, Inspiring

  231 Copy quote

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  150 Copy quote

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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  284 Copy quote

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• My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

  Walter Matthau

  Life, Hilarious, Witty

  271 Copy quote

• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  330 Copy quote

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Life, Sexy

  410 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Giving, I Believe, Vodka

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  754 Copy quote

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• He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

  Charles de Gaulle

  Laughter, Laughing, Lasts

  86 Copy quote