Funny Quotes - Page 4

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  Earl Wilson

  Inspirational, Motivational, Inspiring

  233 Copy quote

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Hilarious, Humorous, Stupid People

  233 Copy quote

• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

  Erica Jong

  Being Strong, Spiritual, Witty

  FaceBook post by Erica Jong from Oct 02, 2015

  129 Copy quote

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• He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

  Charles de Gaulle

  Laughter, Laughing, Lasts

  89 Copy quote

• It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

  Thomas Sowell

  Laughter, Ignorance, Thorough Knowledge

  "A Childish Letter". Column at Jewish World Review, www.jewishworldreview.com. August 17, 1998.

  155 Copy quote

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• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

  Billy Sunday

  Hilarious, Christian, Religious

  Billy Sunday, William Thomas Ellis (1917). “Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words which Have Won Thousands for Christ”

  611 Copy quote

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• If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

  Ann Landers

  Witty, Children, Talking

  221 Copy quote

• Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

  Helen Rowland

  Birthday, Motivation, Vision

  145 Copy quote

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  176 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Laughter, Humorous, Humility

  428 Copy quote
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  The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

  Theodore Hesburgh

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  241 Copy quote

• I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

  Elon Musk

  Inspirational, Death, Dream

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  32 Copy quote

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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Hilarious, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  289 Copy quote

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• To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

  George W. Bush

  Graduation, Humor, Awards

  "Bad results?" by Nikki Sheehan, www.theguardian.com. June 11, 2001.

  85 Copy quote

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• The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  268 Copy quote

• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Best Friend, Dog, Men

  257 Copy quote

• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Family, Mothers Day, Mom

  105 Copy quote

• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Witty, Work, Humorous

  101 Copy quote

• Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

  Ozzy Osbourne

  Crazy, Missing, Drug

  102 Copy quote

• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  Bryan White

  Inspirational, Life, Growing Up

  304 Copy quote

• Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

  Stephen Colbert

  Trust, Children, Comedian

  74 Copy quote

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  104 Copy quote

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Life, Sexy

  413 Copy quote

• Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

  John Hughes

  Inspirational, Life, Movie

  188 Copy quote

• Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Witty

  Quoted in Albert B. Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

  528 Copy quote

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