Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends