If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
A compliment is verbal sunshine.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world
Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.
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