My name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five Year Plan Sputnik Tractor Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Honestly, sometimes I get really fed up of my subconscious - it's like it's got a mind of its own.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.
Israel is the Jimmy Saville of nation states.
Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like ""Brothers in Arms"" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.
If sitcoms were easy to write, there'd be a lot of good ones, and there aren't.
Even a blind dog can find a bone every so often.
However, my problems with my memory are further complicated by the fact that while I don't have any recollection of things I have actually done, I have very vivid recollections of loads of things that I haven't done.
I've been going to Granada for many years and 12 years ago bought a house a few miles outside the city.
I think that my ideas of the world are that it's random and cruel but kind of quite comical really, and therefore the humour, in a sense, springs from that.
Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, may have had his charms, but he really couldn't be considered hip.
There's a part of me that still hates everything, and my natural view default setting is still very cynical and dark
But as in all cults, what's central to the Communist Party is the belief system and the elimination of nuance. From there you're very slowly led down the road to fanaticism and mass murder.
I feel sorry for many politicians we expect them to be completely consistent and moralised when we're not.
If I won the lottery I'd start a charity that helped little family hardware stores, cobblers and fruit shops open in city centres.
I have a lot of nice Italian winter clothes that make me look like a sophisticated Lebanese professor, so my friend Robert and I go around pretending to be experts in Arabic politics. It doesn't work in the summer though. I don't have the right clothes.
A lot of those comics can't hold down relationships and they've got no other life apart from performing. They sleep in their Jags and a lot of them can't even talk. All they can do is tell gags.
Most of my friends are women - I quite fancied being a woman in a way.
Now, as a comic, if you're vaguely amusing you can go straight into TV, then you play the O2 and then everyone's sick of you.
People aren't universally heroic.
I wanted to write about how people's beliefs shift.
First off, I have to mention what is undoubtedly the greatest phenomenon of the modern era: All You Can Eat Buffets.
Everyone I used to work with is still alive and can afford expensive lawyers.
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