Tibby sat on the outside of a group of kids in the film program. There was a lot of dark clothing and heavy footwear, and quite a few piercings glinting in sunlight. They had invited her to sit with them while they all finished up their lunches before film seminar. Tibby knew that they had invited her largely because she had a ring in her nose. This bugged her almost as much as when people excluded her because she had a ring in her nose.
During intermission she peeked out at the theater, watching it refill. When it was almost full and the lights blinked on and off, she saw three people file in through the center door and her breath caught. Time lapsed as they walked down the center aisle: three teenage girls all in a row. They were so big, so bright, so beautiful, so magnificent to Carmen’s eyes that she thought she was imagining them. They were like goddesses, like Titans. She was so proud of them! They were benevolent and they were righteous. Now, these were friends.
She had willed her heart to stay small and contained, but it wouldn’t be. Oh, well.
I love you, I'll never stop.
She wanted him to see all of her and also none of her. She wanted him to be dazzled by the bits and blinded by the whole. She wanted him to see her whole and not in pieces. She had hopes that were hard to satisfy.
she never showed girly weaknesses like cellulite or crushes. she never lingered on injustices committed against her.
She was sad about what happened to Kostos. And someplace under that, she was sad that people like Bee and Kostos, who had lost everything, were still open to love, and she, who'd lost nothing, was not.
It was frustrating when people loved you and took an interest in you and sometimes worried about you and personally cared what you did with yourself. Lena wished that love were something you could flip on and off. You could turn it on when you felt good bout yourself and worthy of it and generous enough to return it. You could clip it off when you needed to hide or self-destruct and had nothing at all to give." (Lena, 194)
She knew that when she got old it would be more fun to look back on a life of romance and adventure than a life of quiet habits. But looking back was easy. It was the doing that was painful. There were plenty of things she would like to look back on but wasn't willing to risk.
She cared about him too much, and he was a dangerous person to love. He wouldn't love her back.
She remembered me.' This was his worst weakness, his most toxic drug.
He'd pushed her. He'd scared her. He'd besieged her. He'd vowed he wouldn't, and he did.
I love her. I need her. I gave away everything I had for her. I just wanted her to know me.
He tricked himself into thinking that she would look into his eyes and remember, that love would conquer all.
Hey," he said. "It's someday." He said the last word in Greek.
Exactly! We run or we lose ourselves in something, somebody, anything to try and ease our pain.
But like everything else, love changed.
She liked the life she had. She loved habits. She craved a day with nothing in it, a long, quiet stretch of hours in the studio.
Something about giving in without a fight felt wrong.
She wondered if maybe tragedy was what it took to make your heart capable of admitting a new member.
He no longer represented someday a possibility. He represented a road not taken a road that suddenly shot so far into the distance she couldn’t see it anymore.
The present no matter what I brought couldn’t change the past. The Past was set and sealed.
You get older and you learn there is one sentence just four worlds long and if you can say it to yourself it offers more comfort than almost any other. It goes like this… Ready ” “Ready.” “At least I tried.
Carmen was bad at loving. She loved too hard.
The phone was her worst enemy and her best friend but she never knew which until she answered it.
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