It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.
As a standup, I try to change the world. As an entertainer, I try to entertain. And as a lesbian, I try to pick up the prettiest girl in the room.
My mother said to me, 'Why do you have to call yourself a dyke? Why can't you be a nice lesbian?' 'Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke.'
Learn all the rules... then break them.
No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago.
A woman will allow herself to be clouded by her emotions. Her reasonable thought becomes completely unreasonable over the most ridiculous thing. It's a girl thing.
It's not that I don't like penises. I just don't like them on men.
What do you mean, you "don't believe in homosexuality?" It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary.
My idea as far as comedy goes has always been to push the limits of what's acceptable for a woman to do or say or be. My hero in that would be Lenny Bruce, who teaches us that words have no meaning. It's the intent behind them that is what's important.
They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!
It's really not enough to just have black women. A really good idea could be to comment on how they are treated by society.
Guns don't kill, people do.
Never point at anything beige and call it cool.
Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works.
Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke!
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