Last Time Quotes - Page 11

• My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

  Demetri Martin

  Distance, Ocean, Talking

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• Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Guy, Getting Older, Sitting

  Rodney Dangerfield (2009). “It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs”, p.60, Zondervan

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• I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Girl, Home, Honey

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• My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Wife, Lasts, Saws

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• There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.

  Greg Giraldo

  Dream, Jobs, Men

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• If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Sex, Gay, Lasts

  "Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered". Audio CD "Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered", 2004.

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• According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

  Chelsea Handler

  Rap, Feet, Guy

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• For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

  Artie Lange

  Memories, Kids, Vegas

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• I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

  Wanda Sykes

  Machines, Lasts, Made

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• Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

  Bill Engvall

  Lasts, Sides, Gas Stations

  FaceBook post by Bill Engvall from Mar 12, 2013

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• You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Thinking, People, Care

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• When a poor person dies I want then to die in the arms of somebody who loves them. I want them to be able to look for the last time into the eyes of somebody who cares for them

  Mother Teresa

  Eye, Who Cares, Looks

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• I remember taking mushrooms at the wrap party, it was like the first and last time I took that.

  Pauly Shore

  Party, Mushrooms, Lasts

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• You never know who's going to be in the audience. You never know who is going to be hearing that piece for the first time, and you never know who is going to be hearing that piece for the last time.

  Robert Shaw

  Pieces, Lasts, Hearing

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• Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

  Bill Maher

  Tattoo, Spiritual, Character

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• When's the last time you walked by a pub in Dublin and heard Irish music? When's the last time you ordered a coffee and heard an Irish accent?

  Michael Flatley

  Coffee, Dublin, Lasts

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• I'm old enough to remember the advent of CD. You thought, "What's this piece of space age technology that's in front of me?" Now I ask, "When's the last time you bought a CD?" You see things come and you see things go, and you have to be on your toes and be nimble and stay with it, or you die. It's exciting. I love technology.

  Joseph McGinty Nichol

  Technology, Cds, Space

  Source: collider.com

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• We must not stay as we are, doing always what was done last time; or we shall stick in the mud.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Done, Lasts, Mud

  George Bernard Shaw (1987). “Back to Methuselah”, p.443, Penguin UK

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• Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did that work?

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Thinking, Way, Lasts

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• Because I was a young man so, of course, I did get into fights. The last time I actually was in a fight, in the sense of throwing punches myself, was probably when I was at college, not since 1980. But I remember being attacked quite a few times in the '80s.

  Will Self

  Fighting, College, Men

  Source: www.interviewmagazine.com

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• You never know the last time you’ll see a place. A person.

  Jenny Han

  Lasts, Persons, Knows

  Jenny Han (2011). “It's Not Summer Without You”, p.124, Simon and Schuster

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• Usually, if you're buried alive, that's gonna be the last time that happens, isn't it?

  Alice Eve

  Alive, Lasts, Buried

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• I believe demolishing Hussein's military power and liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk. Let me give simple, responsible reasons: (1) It was a cakewalk last time; (2) they've become much weaker; (3) we've become much stronger; and (4) now we're playing for keeps.

  Kenneth Adelman

  Military, Believe, Simple

  "Cakewalk In Iraq". www.washingtonpost.com. February 13, 2002.

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• Now is that last time you'll see today, so make it memorable.

  Chris Howard

  Memorable, Today, Lasts

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• You're afraid to be close to women. Because it's not masculine to be close to women. The last time you were close to a woman, you were a child.

  Gloria Steinem

  Children, Lasts, Masculine

  Source: www.pbs.org

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