Marya Hornbacher Quotes - Page 4

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• For a long time I believed the opposite of passion was death. I was wrong. Passion and death are implicit, one in the other. Past the border of a fiery life lies the netherworld. I can trace this road, which took me through places so hot the very air burned the lungs. I did not turn back. I pressed on, and eventually passed over the border, beyond which lies a place that is wordless and cold, so cold that it, like mercury, burns a freezing blue flame.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Lying, Passion, Past

  4 Copy quote

• Anorexia and bulimia seem to be getting much more common in boys, men, and women of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds; they are also becoming more common in racial groups previously thought to be impervious to the problem.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Boys, Men, Anorexia

  52 Copy quote

• Hospitalizations in general are blurry. The days are the same, precisely the same. Nothing changes. Life melts down to a simple progression of meals. They become a way of life fairly quickly. You may welcome this transition. It may seem inevitable to you. You have been removed from the world. It is all right, in a way, because there is nothing so sure, so safe, as routine.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Life Changing, Simple, Transition

  10 Copy quote

• • This seems impossible to me. It seems biologically impossible to stay the same size, although I must. It seems one must always be either bigger or smaller than they were at some arbitrary point in time to which all things are compared. The panties that are possibly tighter than they were. When? You can't say when. But you are absolutely positive no question that it's true.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Arbitrary, Size, Impossible

  5 Copy quote

• We know we need, and so we acquire and eat and eat, past the point of bodily fullness, trying to sate a greater need. Ashamed of this, we turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Past, Skeletons, Trying

  4 Copy quote

• The idea began to sink in, more than it ever had, that I might be crazy, in the traditional sense of the word. That I might be, forever and ever amen, a Crazy Person. That's what we'd suspected all along, what I'd been working so hard to disprove, what might be true. I preferred, by far, being dead.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Crazy, Ideas, Forever

  4 Copy quote

• I developed a deep, abiding fear of jeans, which I still have. I hold my breath and shut my eyes when I pull on a pair in the dressing room, afraid they will now, as then, get stuck at my hips and there I will stand, absurd, staring at the excess of hips that should, if I were a good person, be „slim“.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Eye, Jeans, Excess

  Marya Hornbacher (2014). “Wasted Updated Edition: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia”, p.25, Harper Collins

  4 Copy quote

• Me and my needs were driving my mother away. Me and my needs retreated to my closet, disappeared into fairy tales. I started making up a world where my needs wouldn´t exist at all.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Mother, World, Needs

  4 Copy quote

• There was a time when I was unable to get out of bed because my body, its muscles eating themselves away, refused to sit up. There was a time when the lies rolled off my tongue with ease, when it was far more important to me to self-destruct than to admit I had a problem, let alone allow anyone to help.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Lying, Self, Important

  4 Copy quote

• Because I'm not, in fact, depressed, Prozac makes me manic and numb - one of the reasons I slice my arm in the first place is that I'm coked to the gills on something utterly wrong for what I have.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Arms, Firsts, Facts

  Marya Hornbacher (2009). “Madness: A Bipolar Life”, p.6, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  4 Copy quote

• My relationships with both my mother and father are good. We spent several difficult years hashing over the problems and the past, and worked out a fairly solid middle ground. I wouldn't say my relationship with either of them - they're no longer together - is exactly typical, but that would be difficult after all we went through.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Mother, Father, Past

  4 Copy quote

• I threw up again that night, half-afraid that my eyeballs would explode. But it was, by far, more important that I get rid of dinner. Of course, by then, throwing up was the only way I knew how to deal with fear. That paradox would begin to run my life: to know that what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of that fact--but to cling to the idea that this will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Running, Hurt, Night

  11 Copy quote

• Falling in love happens so suddenly that it seems, all at once, that you have always been in love.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Falling In Love, Been In Love, Happens

  Marya Hornbacher (2009). “Madness: A Bipolar Life”, p.159, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  4 Copy quote

• I am feeling fine. I remember these words and recite them. These are the things you say when asked how you are. After all, it would be odd to say: I'm not feeling. Or, more to the point: I'm not, I have ceased to be. Where am I?

  Marya Hornbacher

  Numbness, Feelings, Would Be

  Marya Hornbacher (2009). “Madness: A Bipolar Life”, p.198, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  7 Copy quote

• When you believe that you are not worthwhile in and of yourself, in the back of your mind you also begin to believe that life is not worthwhile in and of itself. It is only worthwhile insofar as it relates to your crusade. It is a kamikaze mission.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Believe, Mind, Life Is

  4 Copy quote

• I have a remarkable ability to delete all better judgement from my brain when I get my head set on something. I have no sense of moderation, no sense of caution. I have no sense pretty much.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Judgement, Brain, Moderation

  4 Copy quote

• That nothing - not booze, not love, not sex, not work, not moving from state to state - will make the past disappear.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Sex, Moving, Past

  4 Copy quote

• I had a love affair with books, with characters and their words. Books kept me company. When the voices of the book faded, as with the last long chord of a record, the back cover crinkling closed, I could swear I heard a door click shut.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Book, Character, Voice

  4 Copy quote

• And it's California, where everything is powerfully strange. Everyone wants it to be home. Everyone left where he or she was from with dreams of transformation. Everyone runs away to California at least once, or at least all the lonely, hungry people do.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Running, Dream, Lonely

  Marya Hornbacher (2009). “Madness: A Bipolar Life”, p.99, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  4 Copy quote

• He leaned down and whispered to me: No matter how thin you get, no matter how short you cut your hair, it's still going to be you underneath. And he let go of my arm and walked back down the hall.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Letting Go, Cutting, Hair

  4 Copy quote

• My bones are brittle, my heart weak and erratic, my esophagus and stomach riddled with ulcers, my reproductive system shot, my immune system useless... I'm not going to have a happy ending.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Heart, Erratic, Useless

  10 Copy quote

• So many means of self-destruction, so little time.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Mean, Self, Littles

  4 Copy quote

• I think many people with a chronic illness would prefer not to have their chronic illness, simply because it's high maintenance.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Thinking, People, Maintenance

  10 Copy quote

• One really ought to be afraid of self-torture. But it tempted me. It begged. The dark place that my mind was fast becoming blends, in my memory, with the dark womb of church: the chant, the fugue of prayer, the strange erotic energy that carving a very small cross into my thigh with a nail had brought.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Prayer, Memories, Dark

  9 Copy quote

• I began to measure things in absence instead of presence.

  Marya Hornbacher

  Absence

  4 Copy quote

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