If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.
Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.
99% of the putts that are short don't go in the hole
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
Two things that are not long for this world: dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who putt for pars.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.
One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
Every golfer should come to the first tee with fourteen clubs, a dozen balls, a handful of tees, and at least one great golf story
Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say, "Man, we shot 66!" But go out and shoot 77, and they say "Hell, he shot 77!"
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.
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