If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.
Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.
99% of the putts that are short don't go in the hole
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.
One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.
I thought Manual Labor was a Mexican golf pro.
If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.
Two things that are not long for this world: dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who putt for pars.
Just remember, somewhere there's some guy who's tired of putting up with her crap
When you're poor, you know nothing about the future, you know nothing about the world, nothing that goes on outside 300 yards around you.
In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.
It's the most fun I've had with my clothes on.
I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
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