A hundred percent of marriages end in divorce, disappearance or death.
The optimist sees the future as a rabbit sees the oncoming truck - getting bigger, not closer.
A sniper is like a genius - it’s not enough to be one, you have to be one at something.
In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England people drink in bars that are older than that.
Sanity’s a virginity of the mind
What’s life in this nation? Collect emptiness in a household of cornflakes. Transient fuel gobbles attention, the television aches, the truth walks. Scheme worms welcome your corpse, trap clicks and you’re in heaven, bored rigid
Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog's repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog, knowing it would be penalized for doing well or doing badly, would become melancholic and inactive. This and other unforeseeable results were funded by taxing up to sixty percent of people's earnings. People became strangely melancholic and inactive
Originality irritates so obscurely that people may have to evolve to scratch it.
Most books are so well written they barely have any effect on the reader's senses
What happens when the hitcher and the driver are equally murderous?
In books there's nothing of the fish covered in the coldness of the sea, or the feeling of a star touching space. Bad for business.
Gun stripping is the tea ceremony of America.
One thing you’ll say for skeletons, they’ll always give you a smile.
How many times does a man have to shave before his chin gets the message?
One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of God's existence.
He has been positively growing tusks trying to create a breed of human insect which will continue to live on this accursed planet. Everyone needs a goal.
We have truth in order not to die of art.
The law is where reality goes to die.
I knew books could see people around them, they ground their tiny teeth, tried to rattle like windows, stories to tell.
Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree.
Biting enemies seems to be acceptable in a surprisingly narrow range of circumstances, or so a ninja shouted at me once
Satire works in a bunch of specific ways, like a very precisely-geared bomb. It's a bit like something that looks harmless, and you swallow it, but once it's inside you it's too late, and it triggers, blowing up. And it's your specific inner beliefs and faulty arguments that trigger a satire bomb. If your arguments work, the bomb doesn't trigger, it doesn't need to.
The most amusing thing about a pantomime horse is the necessity of having to shoot it twice.
The great thing about being ignored is that you can speak the truth with impunity.
Dreams always end before you kill the last person.
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