We are all born into the world with nothing. Everything we acquire after that is profit.
A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.
Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.
I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.
Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.
If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.
Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall?
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
Fashions come and fashions go, but pockets are usually the same. There's little change in them.
The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.
President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.
Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms.
Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.
A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.
Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license?
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.
On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?
The sight of home looks best after you've traveled hundreds of miles to get away from it.
There's no thief like a bad movie.
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