Chic Murray Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Lying, Fall

• I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Dog, Mad

• After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  "One-line genius" by Duncan Campbell, www.theguardian.com. March 16, 2007.

• I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Teacher, Humor

• We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Mother, Father

• The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Two

• The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Eggs

• It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Two

• I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

• My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Parent

• My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Dog, Humor

• This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Mother, Father

• I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Want

• She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Tattoo, Girl

• My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Father, Humor

• I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Missing

• A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Machines

• A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Men

• Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Sleep

• I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Strings

• I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Tunnels

• My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Nice, Humor

• A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Luxury

• I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Moon

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