Marc Maron Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Comedian, Podcasting

  Twitter post from May 15, 2014

• Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Talking

• There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Coffee, Writing

• In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Disappointment, Humor

  "Marc Maron 2/ Comedy Central Presents". Season 11 Ep. 1, Documentary, Comedy, www.cc.com. January 12, 2007.

• Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Marc Maron - Bipolar Coaster". "Comedy Central Presents", Season 11, Episode 1, www.cc.com. January 12, 2007.

• I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Jesus, Party

• They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Zoos, Humor

• I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Commitment

• I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Jesus, Humor

  "Comedy Central Presents: Marc Maron". Documentary, Comedy, 2007.

• God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

• How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Mean

• A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Running, Jesus

• It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Dream, Humor

• My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Dad, Humor

  "Marc Maron - Bipolar Coaster". "Comedy Central Presents", Season 11, Episode 1, www.cc.com. January 12, 2007.

• You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Real, Humor

• I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Book, Humor

• I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Europe

• I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Cute, Humor

• I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Sex, Cancer

• Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Country, Humor

• For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Next

• The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Winning

• Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

  Marc Maron

  Funny, Humor, Air

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