I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
You always pass failure on the way to success.
Dont retire - inspire...Theres a lot to be done
Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.
I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.
I don't regret anything I've ever done. I only wish I could have done more.
Look, I come from vaudeville, I come from burlesque, I come from heartaches, I come from sadness, I come from gladness, I come from work and sweat and respect for the craft.
To those seniors, and especially elderly veterans like myself, I want to tell you this: You are not alone, and you having nothing to be ashamed of. If elder abuse happened to me, it can happen to anyone. I want you to know that you deserve better.
Now. Now is the most important time of all of your young lives. And what does now stand for - N-O-W? No Other Way. That's the only time - NOW!
Hey kids! Let's put on a show!
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph when I pass away. Just the words 'I tried.' That's what this game of life is all about. Trying. There's the tryers, the criers, and the liars.
When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years; when I was 40, nobody wanted me; I couldn't get a job.
A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.
And that's the way I have always lived, for the laughs – today. N-O-W. No Other Way.
On Hollywood turning its back on him: I wasn't in the club. You see, I'm not going to be a stroker. I never have been all my life.
Clark Gable once said to me, "'Acting school?' [If you go,] I'll kill ya!"
The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I've let them down several times. They've let me down several times. But we're all family.
I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.
I've been coming back like a rubber ball for years.
I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.
Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.
Women liked me because I made them laugh.
There were times when I was broke, when I was down in Florida and I had to go to cocktail parties for 500 bucks - to see the guy that used to be in pictures. I'm not ashamed of that. I've never done anything that I was ashamed of. I've done a lot of things I didn't mean to do.
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