Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
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