When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
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