Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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