Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
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