When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
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