When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends