Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
It's better to be a dictator than gay.
My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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