When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Love is just a word, but you bring it definition.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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