Funny Quotes - Page 6

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Sarcastic, Clever

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

  Ricky Gervais

  Wall, Thinking, Eggs

  FaceBook post by Ricky Gervais from Oct 15, 2013

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• My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

  Morey Amsterdam

  Dog, Humor, Two

  130 Copy quote

• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Inspirational Life, Food

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.9, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Inspiring, Money

  305 Copy quote

• I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

  Scott Adams

  Stupidity, Dumb, Doubt

  30 Copy quote

• I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Laughter, Sorry

  102 Copy quote

• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  Milton Berle

  Running, Health, Thinking

  110 Copy quote

• You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

  Yogi Berra

  Inspirational, Motivational, Success

  "What Time Is It? You Mean Now?: Advice for Life from the Zennest Master of Them All". Book by Yogi Berra, 2003.

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• Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

  Anthony Griffin

  Dog, Real, Animal

  270 Copy quote

• The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

  Sid Caesar

  Work, Creativity, Humor

  "The words and comedy of Sid Caesar" by Lisa Respers France, www.cnn.com. February 12, 2014.

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• If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

  Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Sarcastic, Witty, Fall

  147 Copy quote

• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

  Timothy Leary

  Hilarious, Girly, Strong Women

  "Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said". Book by Robert Byrne, No. 40, 1986.

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• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  Benjamin Franklin, William Temple Franklin (1819). “The Posthumous and Other Writings of Benjamin Franklin ...”, p.290

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• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

  Cullen Hightower

  Mistake, Laughing, Favourite

  70 Copy quote

• My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

  Billy Connolly

  Music, Witty, Humorous

  144 Copy quote

• Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

  Matt Groening

  Life, Humor, Son

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons". Season 4, Episode 1: "Kamp Krusty", www.imdb.com. September 24, 1992.

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• Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

  Steve Irwin

  Betrayal, I Hate You, Hypocrite

  "My Steve". Book by Terri Irwin, 2012.

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• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  Harlan Ellison

  Life, Stupid, Science

  Harlan Ellison, Arnie Fenner (2011). “Bugf#ck: The Useless Wit & Wisdom of Harlan Ellison”

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• 

  The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

  Winston Churchill

  Trust, Witty, Freedom

  Winston S. Churchill (2013). “Churchill By Himself”, p.1079, RosettaBooks

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• Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Inspirational, Birthday, Men

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  Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

  Salvador Dali

  Music, Sarcastic, Art

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  A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

  Eleanor Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Strength, Inspiring

  171 Copy quote

• Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

  Doug Larson

  Courage, Humorous, Editors

  113 Copy quote

• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

  Zig Ziglar

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  FaceBook post by Zig Ziglar from Sep 22, 2016

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