A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.
Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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