To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
The road to success is always under construction.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
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