Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
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