When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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