Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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