Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
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