Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
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