Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends