Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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