A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Her only flair is in her nostrils.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
One of my first films was Zebrahead. I remember the producer asking me, "Can you handle the big lights?" And I thought, Do I want to be sarcastic, or do I want the job? So I said, "I don't handle the big lights, I just tell big men where to put the big lights and they do it."
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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