Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
If you think research is expensive, try disease!
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother?s.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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