Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Without sarcasm I sink into chaos.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
We have the best government that money can buy.
If you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Neither irony nor sarcasm is argument.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Don't be humble... you're not that great.
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
Sarcasm is not the rapier of wit its wielders seem to believe it to be, but merely a club: it may, by dint of brute force, occasionally raise bruises, but it never cuts or pierces.
People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends