Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
Neither irony nor sarcasm is argument.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
If you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood.
A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
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