Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
If you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood.
Don't be humble... you're not that great.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Satire is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are offended with it.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Sarcasm is not the rapier of wit its wielders seem to believe it to be, but merely a club: it may, by dint of brute force, occasionally raise bruises, but it never cuts or pierces.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
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