I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
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