I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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