Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Congress: Bingo with billions.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything—sing, dance and above all, make people laugh.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
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