There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Congress: Bingo with billions.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
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