I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
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