I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
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