I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
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