I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.
A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
I can still chase women, only downhill
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
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