I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
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