I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties
I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
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